The Unwritten Curriculum: Why Neurodivergent Kids Need a Focus on Social Emotional Learning and Self-Regulation

gbhconsultants
4 days ago
8 min read

student and teacher engaged in social emotional learning

As a psychologist and the owner of Gateway Behavioral Health Consultants, I spend my days working with adults, teens, and families who are navigating the complexities of neurodivergence (ND). On top of that, I’m also a mom to neurodivergent children. This dual perspective—professional expertise combined with the lived reality of parenting—gives me a unique lens through which to view the challenges our kids face, and perhaps more importantly, the areas where our current support systems are falling short.

Parents of neurotypical children have a lot on their plate, but for those of us raising neurodivergent kids, there’s an added layer of complexity and concern. We worry about developmental milestones, the intensity of sensory concerns, and managing attention and focus. We are deeply concerned about academics, peer relationships, and how they navigate a world not built for their operating system. This is a constant juggling act.

But here is where the parent and the psychologist in me converge: I’ve noticed a pattern in the adults I see. While they absolutely struggle with the attention and focus deficits common to conditions like ADHD or autism, the symptoms that cause the most profound and devastating distress are related to their social skills and interactions with other people. These challenges create cascading problems in their workplace, personal lives, and relationships—areas that touch everything else.

We spend immense energy early on tackling academic challenges and developmental delays. We prioritize early intervention services like Occupational Therapy (OT), Physical Therapy (PT), and speech therapy to address those critical developmental milestones. We chase better attention spans, make sure homework is turned in, and focus on in-seat behavior.

These interventions are absolutely vital. However, as both a psychologist and a parent, I am asserting that we need to shift more of our attention and focus to two critical, interconnected areas: our children’s self-regulation and their social-emotional learning (SEL). These skills are the foundational infrastructure for a successful, connected, and authentically meaningful life.

The Executive Functioning Firewall

The root cause of many social skills challenges for neurodivergent individuals lies in deficits in Executive Functioning (EF) skills. EF is the set of mental processes that helps connect past experience with present action, enabling self-control, mental flexibility, and goal-directed behavior. When these systems are compromised, social navigation becomes immensely difficult.

Kids with EF deficits struggle with a constellation of critical skills:

Attention and Focus: Being present enough in a conversation or a group activity to actually pick up on the subtle, non-verbal social cues.
Self-Regulation of Behavior: The ability to modulate one's reactions, intensity, and output in response to the environment—like not interrupting, controlling fidgeting, or managing frustration without an explosion.
Impulse Inhibition: The pause button. This is the ability to stop and think before saying or doing something that might be inappropriate, hurt someone’s feelings, or violate a social norm. Without this, spontaneous social interaction is a minefield.
Cognitive Flexibility: The ability to shift gears, change a plan, or accept a new idea when a social situation dictates it. When a friend wants to play a different game than planned, the inability to pivot smoothly can derail the entire interaction.
Metacognition (Perspective Taking): This is the ability to understand another person's perspective, or, more complexly, the ability to think about one's own thinking in relation to others. It’s the capacity to wonder, "How did my last comment make them feel?" This is a massive component of Theory of Mind, and deficits here directly impair genuine connection and reciprocal relationship building.

It's not that these skills are impossible to learn; it's that we are not providing enough opportunities for them to be learned, or teaching them with the same intentionality we apply to reading or math.

The Screen Time Shift and the Loss of Unstructured Play

The modern environment has inadvertently stripped away the very opportunities kids need to naturally develop these complex EF and SEL skills.

The introduction of personal devices—smartphones, tablets, and laptops—means kids are spending significantly more time on screens. The result is a dramatic decrease in unstructured and unsupervised play.

Unstructured play is the training ground for SEL. It is a space defined by negotiation, conflict resolution, compromise, and spontaneous feedback. When kids are left alone to build a fort or invent a game, they must learn to:

Negotiate roles and rules: A crucial EF skill that requires cognitive flexibility.
Manage conflict: A key self-regulation skill necessary to avoid the game ending.
Read body language and tone: Spontaneous peer feedback is immediate and often harsh, but it provides real-time, high-stakes lessons in metacognition.

When many interactions are either on a device (where feedback is delayed, filtered, and asynchronous) or are heavily supervised by adults (who are quick to step in and solve problems), our children miss the chance to experience the natural social discomfort that leads to growth. They need spontaneous interactions, immediate peer feedback, and the space to mess up and fix it without an adult orchestrating every move.

Neurodivergent kids need more repetitions of these opportunities to practice and improve these skills. When they are deprived of natural learning opportunities to build these skills, it makes the challenges they naturally face even more problematic. Increasing the number of opportunities for kids to practice these skills is essential for your child to feel confident in their social skills and comfortable interacting with their peers.

Practical Strategies for Social Emotional Learning at Home

We, as parents, can actively reintroduce these vital training opportunities. Your approach here is foundational; it shapes your child's lifelong perspective on social-emotional learning and seeking support.

1. Set Intentional Boundaries with Devices

You can’t learn social skills from an algorithm. We need to create more screen-free opportunities for connection. The recent implementation of no-phone rules in schools has generated positive feedback—kids are interacting more, being more attentive, and spending less time on their devices. We can mirror this successful structure at home.

Implement Screen-Free Zones: Regularly implement screen free times in your home. You can be creative in how you do this. Maybe phones are put down after 6:00 or 7:00 PM at home. It could be designating a specific evening without screens once a week. Whatever you decide BE CONSISTENT!
Family Connection Time: Institute family activities a few times a week that are a screen-free zone. Meal times are a great opportunity for this. You could also dedicate a specific time for a game night or a creative activity that forces direct, in-person interaction and requires shared focus.
Set Limits on Devices: Many devices now have settings which allow parents to put restrictions on their children’s screen time use. Utilize these tools so you don’t constantly have to be monitoring your kids screen time. If they are automatically kicked off their tablet after an hour it forces them to go do something else.

2. Model the Value of Connection

Our children learn what we prioritize. If you are a parent who tends to withdraw or struggles with social interactions yourself, your children are more likely to model that behavior. Prioritize your own social relationships. Schedule time with friends, engage intentionally with your partner or spouse, and allow your children to see you navigating social engagement. Modeling isn't about perfection; it's about showing up and demonstrating that relationships are worth the effort.

3. Embrace Strength-Based Engagement and Make it Fun

This is perhaps the most crucial strategy. If you only take away one strategy from this blog, make it this one! I am never an advocate for forcing a neurodivergent child into an activity that causes them distress or feels inauthentic. Don't force them into a group sport or Cub Scouts if they hate it.

Instead, encourage participation in activities where they feel competent and comfortable, leveraging their unique strengths and characteristics.

Build On Their Strengths: If your child is deeply creative, encourage them to take art classes or participate in crafts. Host a "Craft Night" where they can invite like-minded peers who share their passion. If they love deep rules and complex systems, seek out a therapeutic Dungeons and Dragons group or a Lego group, where their passion for detail and structure is a social asset, not a liability.
Make It A Game: Kids love a good challenge. So make things fun and engaging for them by turning the learning into play or a game. For example, play “I spy” when trying to identify feelings in others by looking for nonverbal clues to their emotions.
Reward Their Accomplishments: Let’s be real for a minute. We all like when people acknowledge our efforts and progress when we are working hard on something. Kids are no different. Set up a reward system that provides them with reinforcement for a job well done. Involve them in choosing the reward. A little incentive can go a long way in increasing their motivation.

When kids can engage from a place of Authenticity, they are able to form genuine connections. In these structured, but passion-driven environments, they build SEL skills without the sensory overload or social anxiety that comes from performing in a neurotypical space.

Sometimes You Just Need Additional Support

When challenges at home feel overwhelming, or your child needs an objective, safe space to develop their social-emotional skills, therapy for you or your child can be a great support to the work you are doing at home. Sometimes we just need someone else to talk with to get a different perspective. Having someone to help you solve challenges as they arise can be invaluable. A little accountability along the way never hurts either. Here are just a few different ways mental health services can be beneficial:

Individual Therapy: One-on-one sessions with a therapist or counselor can help clients improve executive functioning skills, perspective-taking, communication skills, and emotion regulation. Therapy should be something your child wants to do; utilizing modalities like art therapy, games, and hands-on activities to help children be invested in their own growth.
Social Skills Groups: Groups are more than just practice sessions—they are supportive, authentic spaces where kids and teens can genuinely connect and practice skills in real-time. This provides a low-pressure, inclusive environment where participants can build confidence and move toward personal growth
Parent Coaching: Parent Coaching is a powerful way for you to directly facilitate your child's growth and build a stronger relationship. By developing practical, effective strategies to handle challenging behaviors, improve communication, and better understand your child’s neurotype, you will feel empowered as a parent by to create the foundation and blueprint for your child’s lifelong emotional regulation and self-awareness.
Assessment Services: Sometimes the reasons for you or your child’s social challenges isn’t clear. A psychological evaluation can determine diagnoses and identify your specific strengths and challenges to create a tailored treatment plan moving forward.

How GBHC Can Help With SEL For Neurodivergent Teens & Adults

At Gateway Behavioral Health Consultants (GBHC), we specialize in working with neurodivergent teens, adults, and families. We are dedicated to creating an authentic space where genuine connection and acceptance can thrive—a "come as you are" environment. We want to meet you where you're at, acknowledging that there might be underlying anxiety or depression that needs to be worked through. We are committed to working on areas that are most important to you. We will focus on your strengths and empower you to learn new strategies to reach your goals. We offering a wide range of services, including:

The breadth of our services at GBHC allows us to tailor interventions to your unique needs. We understand that effective care requires both professional expertise and real-world understanding. That's why many of our clinicians also have lived experience with neurodivergence, which can help them connect with your challenges on a deeper, more personal level. We celebrate each person's unique strengths and characteristics and aim to provide a truly authentic and accepting space.

Take the Next Step

It's understandable if you're feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or simply stuck right now. We know that navigating life's challenges—especially when your brain constantly has 1000 tabs open and the world seems to be burning down right in front of you—can feel impossible.

You don't have to wait for those social and emotional challenges to become debilitating problems. It's time to invest in your own growth and connection, or in your child's future well-being.

Stop waiting for the moment things "break" or for those long-standing patterns to magically shift. We offer specialized expertise to help you build the self-regulation skills, genuine connection, and personal growth you deserve. Invest in your emotional foundation now and move forward with clarity and confidence

If you’re ready to make a change for yourself and invest in your relationships, contact us (Button) today to schedule an assessment or discuss therapeutic options.